DEAR HARRIETTE: I am the sixth of 13 siblings. We are mostly all grown up, with the youngest still in college.
I am 31 years old and have been able to make something out of myself financially. I worked hard in high school so I could go to college on a full ride. I took advantage of networking opportunities at my university and was able to land a good job after college and move my way up since.
This, however, was much easier said than done. It took a lot of discipline to be able to achieve this success because my family grew up very poor.
Most of my siblings haven’t been able to make it out of poverty, and they resent me for my success.
All 12 of my siblings and my parents constantly ask me for money, but I can’t support all of them. I am doing well, but not well enough to be sending large amounts of cash to 14 people. They all think I’m selfish for this.
How do I tell them I’m not able to support them all financially, even though it breaks my heart to watch them struggle?
Gravy Train
DEAR GRAVY TRAIN: It’s time for strategy.
I have a friend who set up a fund for her family. In order to access the money in the family fund, you have to have a goal and a plan. You get to withdraw funds if you are committed to growing your life and making the best out of your circumstances. She set specific criteria that family members must fulfill. Because there were guidelines, the transaction was no longer personal, and everyone had a goal to reach.
Consider setting up an account where you put the money you can share. Tell your family you will give them access to it based on certain parameters. Have someone else administer it. Say no to all other requests.
DEAR HARRIETTE: This will be my second year living with a roommate. I am an only child, and I had my first-ever roommate during my first year of college.
We chose random selection and ended up getting lucky in how well we gelled and shared the space. We weren’t in the same friend group, which helped when drama came up, and we never had any problems with each other.
This year, I planned out my living situation with one of my best friends from school. We are in the same immediate group of friends, and we get along well and will respect each other’s spaces, but I am worried about how to avoid conflict at home when drama arises in the friend group.
Do you have any tips on how a conversation should go if we get into an argument so that it is not awkward at home?
Living With Friend
DEAR LIVING WITH FRIEND: Establish house rules about topics that should be off-limits, just like you set them up regarding cleanliness and visitation.
Be specific and clear. Ask your roommate to agree with you to limit friend-group drama to particular times of day when both of you agree to talk about it. You should do the same with the whole group. After a certain time, you shut it down.
Don’t allow yourself to get consumed by social drama. It will impact your studies and your peace of mind. You can say no.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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