DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my close friends grew up with really strict parents and now because of delayed rebellion is a bit reckless when she goes out.
She never learned how to conduct herself safely in nightlife while still having fun, and she often blurs the lines as a result. I am worried about her. I do not want her to end up in a bad situation, but I also do not want to seem like a buzzkill.
She’s very friendly, but when people are a bit tipsy, they tend to take her kindness for flirtation. Then she asks us why they are acting weird toward her.
How should I approach a conversation with her about being more aware at night — and maybe even less friendly — without telling her what to do or seeming like the authority that she is trying to rebel against?
Unsafe Nightlife
DEAR UNSAFE NIGHTLIFE: Sit with your friend and tell her you need to have a heart-to-heart. Explain that you are worried about her when she goes out at night because she sometimes drinks too much and puts herself in what could be considered compromising positions.
Suggest that she monitor her alcohol consumption so that she maintains complete control of her faculties. Assure her that you aren’t judging her. You are trying to have her back.
If she accuses you of sounding like her parents, apologize, but stand firm. She needs to know how important it is for her to have agency over herself. Even if she gets mad at you temporarily, your candor may help save her life.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend got upset with me because I am friends with her ex-boyfriend.
My brother is close to him and a number of other guys, and I often hang with their group. I recently went on a trip with my brother, and my friend’s ex offered to let us stay with him. We grew close over the trip — platonically. I am closer to him now than I am to her.
They had a healthy relationship and broke up over a year ago, and she has a new boyfriend.
When she reached out to me saying that she was uncomfortable with our bond and with my tagging him in group photos, I found it odd, and I defended myself and our friendship. I would never go behind her back and I was not keeping our friendship a secret, so I was confused about her accusations.
Am I wrong for continuing to be close with him when she is upset about this? I don’t understand it, especially since she has been in a new relationship for nine months.
Friend Vs. Ex
DEAR FRIEND VS. EX: People can be weirdly possessive about their exes, even when they are involved in new relationships. Your friend may be worried that your platonic friendship may turn romantic, and even though she isn’t with him, she doesn’t want her friends to be either. This is not logical thinking, but it is common.
Talk to her. Tell her how you have naturally come to be close to him. Tell her you have no intention of hurting her feelings, but he has become your close friend, and you value that friendship.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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