DEAR HARRIETTE: I am mixed Black and white and understand that there are mixed people out there who have an air of superiority about them because of colorism.
My friends constantly make snide remarks about people who have a white mom and Black dad; they tell me that if I ever dyed my hair blond, they wouldn’t be friends with me because I would be “one of those mixed girls” — whatever that means — and even went so far as to call me a “mixed breed.”
I confronted them about how I don’t appreciate them saying these things about mixed people, but they denied that they have developed a stigma and even turned it on me, saying that I think that they want to be like me.
I feel as if I have done what I can to save the relationship. Where should I go from here?
Ostracized
DEAR OSTRACIZED: I am so sorry this is happening to you. Tragically, there are many complicated emotions tied to races mixing in our country.
It used to be illegal. In some communities, it is still shunned or judged. It’s hard to believe, but as you are witnessing, it is sometimes still true.
Ask yourself if these people deserve to be your friends. They are not treating you with respect or basic kindness. They are bullying you.
It may seem scary and potentially lonely now to walk away from them, but the alternative seems to be that you will have to endure their criticisms and constant racist comments.
My advice: Walk away. Be willing to be alone for an indefinite period of time as you build your life and hopefully attract friends who will appreciate you for all that you are.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I went to an event that felt like a family reunion of peers. Many of us have not seen one another for years, definitely not since the onset of the pandemic. It was great to be able to greet people I have known for a long time and just to be together.
I noticed that one friend seemed especially frail. He was always a lean person, but his clothes were hanging off of his body, and his gait was measured. He is an older gentleman, but still. He looked extremely unhealthy.
It is not my business to learn of his condition, but I do care about him. I want to reach out to talk to him, maybe ask if I can come by to visit. Do you think that is being intrusive?
My guess is that he is not long for this world. I want to be able to support him if it’s possible. We had many fun times back in the day.
He has a caretaker who is a longtime friend of ours. Should I reach out to her to ask what is appropriate?
Frail Friend
DEAR FRAIL FRIEND: If you know the caretaker, that’s a great idea. Find out if your friend would appreciate a visitor, and determine how best to orchestrate that encounter.
Follow the caretaker’s advice. If she thinks it is wise for you to visit, plan that as soon as possible. If she signs off on a call, arrange that right away.
You can also send him a card expressing your gratitude for having just seen him and telling him you miss him. Do not address his physical condition. He knows he is unwell. No need to state the obvious.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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